If you’ve ever fallen for a pathological liar, you know the kind, a person who can look you right in the face and lie with absolutely no remorse. I dated one of those. Then there are the more sincere types who really seem to be telling you the truth, however, you witness them lying to everyone around you and think, “They’ll never do that me.” Perhaps, most insidious are the love-bombing, predatory narcissists looking for their next play thing. You.

These people are masters at sniffing out a vulnerable person who needs love and attention, a boost of self-esteem, or a reminder that they are a wonderful person. The predator watches your every move, looks for signs of despair, listens for complaints about your solid marriage, or the trials of child rearing. Some start out as your caring “friend” who listens so well, or engages you in conversation about your interests. Others start out by telling you how much better, hotter, richer, or more successful they are than the person you currently love.

These people listen closely to your every word, the bands you like, the hobbies you enjoy, and your long-term goals. They also listen to your “missed dreams,” because they want to be your savior. They match their wants with yours so you see them as your “real” soul mate, the love of your life, your true love, etc. etc., ad nauseum. They send love letters, bring gifts, send selfies, create amazing experiences for the two of you to share and remember. The abuser creates the narrative of you, the story of how you became a couple. For example, they might tell everyone they left their decades old marriage for true love, which is you, and that justifies their cheating with you.

When you’re one part of an amazing, romantic fairie tale and madly in love with the narcissist, you will dismiss flashes of a bad temper, cheating, humiliations in public, and more, because they’ve built your story based on a linear narrative. So one abstract incident just doesn’t fit. You may forget it all together. (This happens in physically abusive relationships too.) These tactics are why it takes so l-o-n-g to extract yourself from an abusive, predatory narcissist. We become lulled into feeling safe, they are our savior, remember? so we ignore the red flags.

My next post will involve once we start gaining clarity. Stay tuned.