Month: December 2018

That’s How They Get Ya

~ TheCobblersDaughter ~ 2 Comments

If you’ve ever fallen for a pathological liar, you know the kind, a person who can look you right in the face and lie with absolutely no remorse. I dated one of those. Then there are the more sincere types who really seem to be telling you the truth, however, you witness them lying to everyone around you and think, “They’ll never do that me.” Perhaps, most insidious are the love-bombing, predatory narcissists looking for their next play thing. You.

These people are masters at sniffing out a vulnerable person who needs love and attention, a boost of self-esteem, or a reminder that they are a wonderful person. The predator watches your every move, looks for signs of despair, listens for complaints about your solid marriage, or the trials of child rearing. Some start out as your caring “friend” who listens so well, or engages you in conversation about your interests. Others start out by telling you how much better, hotter, richer, or more successful they are than the person you currently love.

These people listen closely to your every word, the bands you like, the hobbies you enjoy, and your long-term goals. They also listen to your “missed dreams,” because they want to be your savior. They match their wants with yours so you see them as your “real” soul mate, the love of your life, your true love, etc. etc., ad nauseum. They send love letters, bring gifts, send selfies, create amazing experiences for the two of you to share and remember. The abuser creates the narrative of you, the story of how you became a couple. For example, they might tell everyone they left their decades old marriage for true love, which is you, and that justifies their cheating with you.

When you’re one part of an amazing, romantic fairie tale and madly in love with the narcissist, you will dismiss flashes of a bad temper, cheating, humiliations in public, and more, because they’ve built your story based on a linear narrative. So one abstract incident just doesn’t fit. You may forget it all together. (This happens in physically abusive relationships too.) These tactics are why it takes so l-o-n-g to extract yourself from an abusive, predatory narcissist. We become lulled into feeling safe, they are our savior, remember? so we ignore the red flags.

My next post will involve once we start gaining clarity. Stay tuned.

In Defense of Rudolph

~ TheCobblersDaughter ~ Leave a comment

141204135426-01-holiday-tv-and-movies-story-topRecently I heard about the kerfuffle regarding Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, the stop motion animation movie from 1964. In case you’re unaware, the movie has been criticized very recently for being pro-bully. (And just to be clear, this movie came out a few years before I was born, and I’m here to tell you, it’s been critiqued for decades).

My kids grew up watching this movie, just as I did with my parents, and it has been a source of laughter around the dinner table and a conversation starter. We love the scene, for example, when the elves call “lunch break” and Hermey’s angry boss looks at him and says, “Not for you!”

Is there yelling and teasing in the movie? Yes. My kids and I find humor in the erratic behavior. Not because we are cold-blooded or evil, but because we can relate to Rudolph and Hermey. It isn’t just bullies who tease people who are “different.” In his awesome book Behave, Robert Sapolsky tells us it’s an innate human quality to malign difference, and we have to learn not do it.  It’s also a innate animal behavior (which, if I am correct, humans are animals.) Think here: chickens pecking each other.

One aspect of meanness no one mentioned is when Hermey and Rudolph ask to stay at the Island of Misfit Toys and the lion says “No. But you can do something for me.” It is so outrageously rude that my kids and I have to laugh, whether out of sheer disbelief of discomfort. How dare he deny them a place to stay and then ask for a favor.

Frankly, I have bullied and I have been bullied. I am not proud to admit bullying a girl from Lebanon in third grade. Two years later I received my comeuppance from a boy I loved who called me Ugly, Monkey Face, and Grape Ape from fifth grade to twelfth. Also, very recently I’ve been ghosted, snubbed, and triangulated by a couple of bullies.

I am not pro-bully. I am pro “let’s talk about the bullying in this movie.” Can you believe Santa was so mean to Donner and Rudolph? Can you believe the whole town shunned Rudolph until he became useful? Can you believe characters in the movie apologized to Hermey and Rudolph for being mean to them?

Bullies are never going away. Look at our President! And, if you don’t believe that, I’ll show you reindeer who can fly. I don’t have a solid answer for how to deal with a bully, because they are all different. But the ones I am dealing with now — I avoid them like last year’s fruitcake.